Blessed

A Little Rhyme

2009-05-19T19:59:00.005-04:00

This little Wallace is ten

This little Wallace is seven

This little Wallace is two

This little Wallace is in heaven

And this little Wallace is due, due, due on November Twenty-Second.

Two Years

2009-04-27T17:13:00.002-04:00

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

I cannot believe that this day two years ago our beautiful little boy came into this world. All the emotions wrapped up in that day still rise to the surface. The calls for Dr. Malpass, his pediatric cardiologist, the NICU team, the extra medical staff running around, it all seems to come alive again when I look at Kaden. I thought surely God would heal him without medical intervention and I would close my eyes with my hand on his tiny gray chest and open them believing that his stats would be normal and he would be completely healed. God didn't see fit to heal Kaden. He instead chose Dr. Bradley and the medical team at MUSC to be His instrument of healing. How I praise God today and everyday for the loving care we received and for the Hand of God being on our lives through the last two years.

Today, my sweet boy, we celebrate not only your birthday, but God's plan for your life. Through the sorrow and joy, the mountain tops and the valleys, may God walk with you, always holding you in the palm of His mighty hand. I love you, Kaden John, through you God has blessed my life.

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.”- Luke 19:10

Speaking at USC School of Medicine

2009-04-22T15:55:00.003-04:00

I had the opportunity to speak on behalf of Palmetto Hearts and to raise some awareness for Congenital Heart Defects. The questions and answers session was amazing and I was astounded at the amount of respect and care these future medical professionals had for our cause. At one point, my emotions got the better of me and a few tears were shed. God knew I needed a reminder of the passion He put in my heart. I alone cannot take credit for what happened today and the way that things went. This is only possible through God, who has not only given me the heart (no pun intended), but those that work with me in each and every capacity of Palmetto Hearts. The email below is from the President of the group I spoke to. I'm sharing this with you, not lift myself up, but to let each of those involved with Palmetto Hearts that this is the way YOU are viewed, whether you have a board position or participate in forum discussions or take a family to God in prayer. Each of you make a difference everyday that you choose to be a part of serving our heart community. I am thankful for each and every one of you and none of this would be possible without you.

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I just wanted to thank you again for coming today. I have gotten AWESOME feedback from everyone who attended! You were great and I think everyone was really inspired. Thank you for what you do! It is so encouraging to know there are people like you out in the world who see how to make the world a better place and actually do it. Thanks again!

Maggie Gray

For Kaden

2009-03-15T22:16:00.003-04:00

A heart that beats
Scars that won’t heal
And the amazing day
When time stood still

I held him all night
And kissed his sweet face
Knowing all the while
Only God knew his fate

I prayed and I cried
Father, take this from him
Heal his heart
Let no knife touch his skin

Let me open my eyes
And everything be right
Father please heal him
Please do it tonight

But the path had been chosen
And our Lord new best
This path we must travel
This would be our test

Somberly they came
And took him away
To fix his heart
And his life to save

I handed him over
Into hands unknow
Father, deliver him
I begged at His throne

Time stopped with his heart
Then began again
When we heard the news
We’re done, he’s on the mend

I look at his chest
The scars are still there
The battle of a lifetime
My little one fared.

Thank you Lord for our child
For each precious day
For the mended heart inside him
And the life that you saved

The Porta-Potty

2009-03-05T19:16:00.002-05:00

I took the munchkins for soccer evaulations today. There were several stations set up for various skills. I took my friend's two girls, so there I was with five kids in tow. Not to shabby, I can handle it. Then I saw it, the one thing no mom wants to see with a bunch of kids..... a porta-potty. Oh, the dreaded, "we haven't developed our facilities yet, porta-potty." I shuddered.

We managed to make it all the way through the evaluations. Avery and Kaeleigh did great, and I'm excited to see them all suited up for games!! Avery has a natural talent for soccer and Kaeleigh is so athletic and will do amazing. Em and Cam did really well too, especially Cam. She's so stinking cute and was nervous, but pulled through and did her best!

We headed out to the car to get home and the word was heard..."pee." Kaeleigh heard it first and told me, then Kaden looked at me and said, "pee-pee." There I was, the woods or the porta-potty. I chose the latter. I guess in a moment of panic, all the nicely dressed moms, folks from the church, I was possed to not have my 2 year old use a tree. So Kaden on my hip and the others instructed to get in the car, and with a diaper bag hung around my neck, we half walked, half jogged to the evil beast. I won't go into detail about the various positions I had to hold him in so we wouldn't touch anything, but we managed. And now, I can proudly proclaim, "I have braved the evil of all evils with a heart child and we both made it out alive!"

Diapers be Gone!

2009-03-02T20:00:00.002-05:00

This morning, Kaden took it upon himself to take off his diaper and begin using his potty chair. He's had a few accidents, but overall has done really well! It's a little bittersweet. I'm excited for him to reach this next milestone, but then I know he's further from being a "baby." This has been a pleasant surprise. I thought surely this one was gonna give me a run for my money while training!

So it's off with the diapers and on with the "big guy pants"!!

Rainy Days

2009-03-01T14:22:00.003-05:00

I'm torn on loving a rainy day. On one hand it means I get to spend time with my family and on the other hand it means I'm stuck in the house with three rambuncious children! Enter the Wii...

What a fabulous purchase we've made, minus the competitive arguments between KK and Ave. All of us have been up off the couch playing tennis or bowling and interacting with each other. It's brought Tim and I together as well. We have bowling dates, at home!! Ok, I realize how sad that sounds even as I'm re-reading what I just wrote. But come on, we don't have sitters or family close by to watch the children so we rarely have time to reconnect with each other. We put the kids down and have a little time bustin' each other's chops while playing. It's been fantastic. If you can get one, I suggest you do!

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This past week has been tough. Kaden ended up being hospitalized with RSV. He was admitted Tuesday because he was dehydrated. It took four nurses 11 tries to get his IV going. It ended up in his big toe. His little veins were just too dry to get a line going. He's covered in bruises from all the tries. He was released Wednesday around lunch time and he's been much better since then. Tim and I are watching him for fever. Apparantly secondary pneumonia is very common after RSV, so we aren't in the clear on that yet. Still have another week of keeping him at home and things should get back to normal.

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I was not able to make it to my appointment on Wednesday with the doctor. I'm going to reschedule it for as soon as possible. I feel a sense of peace about it. I know God is going to provide in His timing.

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Kaden is going for a speech evaulation soon. He was supposed to go Wednesday but with the RSV, I'm not going to risk infecting other kids. I will post how that goes when we get there!

Opinions on Slavery

2009-02-19T10:58:00.002-05:00

It's not at all what you think, I just have to share the conversation Avery and I had last night regarding the subject. Let me set the tone:

Our living room where earlier we had been working on his paragraph about which President he would like to be and why. He chose President Lincoln.

Me: Avery, hand me the remote, please.

Avery: Uhhhhhh, I don't want to.

Me: I didn't ask you if you wanted to, I just asked you to hand it to me. (mind you, I'm actually closer to the remote than he is)

Avery: I'm not your slave.

Me: No, Avery, you're not, but (voice rising) I said hand me the remote! Now hand it to me.

Avery: **pondering** I don't have to because Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves so that means I don't have to be yours.

Me: ...........

Need I say more?

Week 30

2009-02-15T19:40:00.004-05:00

This week would have marked the "countdown." The final 10 weeks, the homestretch to welcome our little Leilani. I know she's playing with her brothers and sister in a place beyond dreams and that bring me great comfort!

I'm determined to do several things Here's my list: (By the way, I share this more to hold myself accountable to who else? ME!)

1. Make a list of concerns for my dr appointment on the 25th

2. Upload our family photos to Snapfish (currently working on)

3. Pray about some things going on with Palmetto Hearts.

4. Do my best to not eat boxes of Swiss cake rolls!!

Not anything super fantastic, just some stuff I gotta get done!

Some tears and a doctor visit

2009-02-11T12:53:00.004-05:00

****Update**** The test was negative, so they drew some blood to check my hormone levels. The nurse is supposed to call me back as soon as they get the results. Of course, I already know what the results are, but perhaps it will get their attention and have my concerns addressed.

Well, more than just some. My heart is hurting so badly. I'm headed out to my OB/GYN to hopefully get some answers as to what is happening, why I have lost these precious babies. There are more than just two, there are five. Five little lives gone before they had a chance. Five little faces I'll never kiss, five little voices I'll never hear. Five is too many. I want answers, I NEED answers. Please be in prayer that I will not get the "well the pregnancy just didn't develop" or the horrid "this is nature's way of 'housekeeping' you know like survival of the fittest." Yes, I actually had a doctor say the latter to me. Pray that God's hand will be on the doctor I see today and the nurses I talk to. Let His heart be theirs today. I so desperately want to know why....

And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.
Mark 10:16

Ebb and flow

2009-02-09T14:54:00.003-05:00

Last Tuesday I was overjoyed to learn a new life was beginning inside me. I was certain that this pregnancy was going to grow and thrive. I nearly bought diapers, my heart was so sure! Last night, we found out that it was not meant to, that again we had lost a precious life. My heart aches and aches for the losses in the last four months.

In my grief, I am trying to be a better mommy to the three children God has allowed me to keep. I got up today and hugged and kissed all of them and held them tight. I told them how much I love them and how special each of them is. Kaeleigh, my independent princess, Avery, my tender hearted snuggle bear, and Kaden, my fiesty survivor!

I am blessed to have my family and friends to share my heart with. Those whose words comfort me and whose prayers lift me up.

Goodnight sweet baby, until I meet you in Heaven....

All this is evidence that God's judgment is right, and as a result you will be counted worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are suffering. God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you and give relief to you who are troubled, and to us as well. This will happen when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven in blazing fire with his powerful angels. 1 Thessalonians 1:5-7

47 53

2009-02-06T11:49:00.002-05:00

Intersting number combination, huh? Lotto numbers, perhaps someones ages? Nope, those are the numbers from Kaden's test! Perfect lung function, which who has that, is 50 50, so our Father, once again, has showed His grace and mercy and Kaden's blood flow to his lungs is a close to perfect as you can get! Dr. Malpass said, "Once again, Kaden has astonished us." He expected the results to be more 60 40.

Thank you Lord for Kaden's continued health, for Your outpouring of blessings on our lives. Thank you Lord for special friends to share life's trials and joys with! Father, bless my friends Rebecca and Dee, you know their needs. Give them your peace when they need it. I praise you for my family and home and my friends. Amen!

Psalms 20:1-8
1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

The Test

2009-02-04T12:15:00.002-05:00

Everything went smoothly, as we prayed for. Kaden only whimpered a little when they had to stick him twice to get his IV going. He's so strong and courageous to be so little. The nurses were very kind, one of them was a heart mommy too! Dr. Avant was wonderful and took the time to make sure we understood what was happening and what to expect from Kaden. He came out of his little slumber and boy were we in for it. He is extremely cranky and clingy, but who can blame him. So my radioactive heart baby does not do well recovering from sedation. Lesson learned! He's currently sitting on the recliner watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and shouting his demands to us.

Thank you Lord for giving us the ability to face today and know You're in control! I will update as soon as we have the results! Thank you all for your prayers, I would have been a total wreck without them!!

“[For the director of music. Of David the servant of the LORD. He sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:] I love you, O LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”- Psalm 18:1-2

Tomorrow

2009-02-03T21:52:00.003-05:00

Ok, I'm nervously blogging at 10pm. Not really unusual for me, but not the best idea when we have to be up and out of the house by 7:15. I can't bring myself to sleep when my little guy is laying here next to me, blissfully unaware of what tomorrow may bring. Kaden will be sedated around 9am or so tomorrow and have xrays taken of his lungs and branch arteries to make sure his lungs are receiving correct amounts of oxygen. I am confident that God will continue to provide for us no matter what the outcome. Pray for all to go well with sedation and that he has no complications with it. Also pray that I will be able to handle to outcome if it means going back to Charleston. I also have an unspoken request that affects me most of all and my family, Tim, Kaeleigh, Avery, and Kaden as well. Pray for health for all of us.

Were those enough requests for you???

Here are a couple of pictures from the kids celebrating Annabelle's First birthday. She celebrated in the best place of all, heaven!!

But I will sing of your strength,in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble. Psalms 59:16

On a side note - BMW Charity Pro-Am

2009-01-22T13:27:00.002-05:00

Palmetto Hearts has been chosen as a charitable beneficiary for the 2009 BMW Charity Pro-Am (www.youcantmissit.com). This is a tremendous opportunity for us to raise money for our organization and to directly benefit our families. The money we raise will be used for the following:

• Fund our Family Voucher Program which will provide assistance with meals, travel, and hotel costs when a family in hospitalized for a CHD related surgery or procedure.
• Provide money for outings throughout the state such as the ones you’ve seen photos of on our website.
• Provide money to promote awareness for Congenital Heart Defects
• Help with printed material (brochures) and operating costs (website, telephone, etc)

We need your help! Information regarding tickets, volunteers, corporate packages, and player packages can be found on our website www.palmettohearts.org, along with a list of what Palmetto Hearts receives back from the sale, under the BMW Charity Pro-Am link on the home page. Celebrities like Kevin Costner, Cheech Marin, Joe Pesci, and Dennis Quaid have participated and are likely to show up again this year!

Please use this email and the attachment as a way to spread the word! It will take all of us working together to make this a success!

Thank you!

Heart hugs,

Sara

A little bit of everything

2009-01-12T13:03:00.003-05:00

Getting back on track from Christmas vacation has been more of a feat than ever before. Just something about this Christmas and New Year, I wanted to get through it. I"m not saying I didn't enjoy it, just not as much as in years past. Last week getting in the routine of bedtime (which we basically let go) and getting up at 6:30 (UGH!) was rough on all of us. I believe we have gotten it all back together though!

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Friday was the BMW Charity Pro-Am orientation. We got all of our information from them, then it was off to an Executive Board meeting for Palmetto Hearts. Saturday morning Kaeleigh and Avery had cheerleading and basketball, respectively. Saturday night has become our family movie night. We watched Space Chimps, it was pretty good. The kids enjoyed it for sure! Kaden doesn't have the attention span just yet for it. Sunday we headed over to Monkey Joe's to get together with some of our friends and other heart families, and to raise a little money for Palmetto Hearts. The kids wore themselves out sliding and jumping and running around! Tim and I were exhausted as well. Everyone slept well last night, except for me.

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Kaden had his 6 month cardiologist check up this morning. I haven't slept well in a couple of nights. That's typical though. In the back of my mind, I still have the worry like I did when our heart journey with Kaden began. Kaden was wonderful at the PC (Pediatric Cardiologist) today. He allowed them to take his blood pressure, listen to his heart, and do a full echo. He laid still for around 30 minutes, and our tech was able to get pictures of everything they needed. Heart function is great, and the leakage around his aorta is down-graded from mild to minimal! However, the pulmonary stenosis (narrowing of the arteries that carry oxygenated blood to the lungs) is still at a point where he needs to have a more in depth study done. We are waiting on a call back from Nuclear Medicine (it sounds worse than it is) and we will take Kaden to be sedated and have a dye injected to "light up" his pulmonary arteries on a scan. This lung perfusion test will allow the doctor to see if there is there is blood flow distributed equally between his lungs. If there is any indication of a problem, we'll go back to see Dr. Malpass (his PC) and determine if any intervention is necessary. If so, we'll be headed back to Charleston for a heart cath and a balloon to be inserted to help with the blockage. As with everything, we know that God is in control. Kaden has FAR EXCEEDED any and all expectations from everyone involved with his medical care! We will continue to rely on God's blessing of health and healing for our little guy!

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1-2

Week 24(ish)

2009-01-10T23:28:00.002-05:00

Busy with my family. That's my reasoning behind missing the past two weeks. Well, partly. I couldn't bear to ring in the New Year knowing that this was the year we were going to have a new baby. I went to bed at 11:45pm on December 31, 2008 just so I didn't have to cry in 2009. I'm moving, slowly but surely, back to "normal" life.

This Monday, Kaden will go for his 6 month heart check. I'm unable to sleep for nearly a week prior to these visits. The what-if's keep me from feeling at ease. But God always pulls through for me. I just visited my friend Rebecca's blog and am never amazed that God speaks to me through her. I am also walking by faith. Knowing my Father holds the keys to life and death and He has allowed me to experience both through my children. Kaeleigh, Avery, and Kaden's health makes losing the baby so much harder, but losing the baby makes their lives so much more precious. I know God will continue to sustain us on this journey with Kaden's heart, that He will provide for us.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to add a slide show to my blog, so stay tuned! Random pictures from the kids sports and other activites.

But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." 1 Peter 1:15-16

Week 22 - Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T17:11:00.004-05:00

Kaeleigh and I went to Target today to grab some last minute items. I was looking through the racks of clearance and came across a maternity shirt. I looked at Kaeleigh and told her that I should be wearing those clothes right now, and she just hugged me and told me it was ok. The pain in my heart is still deep. Last night, Avery was sitting next to me at my desk and I was listening to the song in the link below and crying. He said "Why are you sad Mama?" I explained to him as best I could that I was just having a sad minute. He looked up at me and said, "Are you sad about the baby, 'cause sometimes I get sad about it too." Yes, it is sad today, but God continues to heal my broken heart and has given me such wonderful children to ease the pain. Their laughter is a blessed distraction from the cold world. I have already been given Christmas gifts, Tim, Kaeleigh, Avery, and Kaden, and the babies I can't hold now, I will hold them! God's promise!

Take a moment to listen to the song below (take from my friend Rebecca's blog) and allow it to speak to you and help you remember those that are celebrating in Heaven with our Savior....

Christmas in Heaven

“So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.”- Luke 2:16-20

Week 21

2008-12-18T07:32:00.002-05:00

I know, I know, I'm a day late! Truth is, I spent quite a few hours yesterday talking with a young mom who's unborn baby will be coming into the world and need heart surgery in just a few days. As I talked with her, I relived all I had been through with Kaden. I had the opportunity to talk with her about God, and how no matter what our circumstance, His plan is divine and He is in control. God has given me such an avenue to witness to families at such a vulnerable time in their lives. A chance to talk about His love for them, and that He cares, not only for their child's physical heart, but spiritual one as well. The look on the mother's face when I told her, "I wouldn't change that Kaden had heart surgery" said more than any words could. She was appalled that I would even suggest I was ok with it. But as I continued, I watched her face change and saw she understood, if it weren't for Kaden's surgery, SHE would be alone. God brought me to her nearly two years to the day after we found out about Kaden's heart. She understood, praise God. She could see how something so terrible could be made into something so amazing!

Our words aren't adequate enough to describe our loving, faithful, enduring Father. I cannot fathom a word great enough to encompass all He is to us, to me!! Praise you Father God, with uplifed hands and a renewed heart for the work you have given me!!! Thank you Father for allowing me to have Kaden, and showing me, beyond any doubt, You control the universe, and hold all things in Your hands! Glory, praise, and honor are Yours!

Praise be to the Lord, the God of Israel, because he has come and has redeemed his people. He has raised up a horn of salvation for us in the house of his servant David (as he said through his holy prophets of long ago) Luke 1:69

Twenty Weeks

2008-12-10T11:57:00.003-05:00

This morning marks a date that should have been big for us. Today would have been the half-way mark of our pregnancy. We would have been having our ultrasound and her echo soon.

Yesterday I got to hold my friend's new baby. It was bitter sweet. I'm so excited for her, but my heart ached that I would never hold my precious little girl this side of heaven. I held back my tears as I looked at his face, touched his cheeks, held his hand, and did all the things I wanted for myself. As I handed him back to his mommy, my heart longed to be her, having the joy of that first bath, diaper, snuggle. All the things I won't have with Leilani.

For the last twenty weeks, I have longed for things that I cannot have. I have cried, yelled, been angry, and I have tried to give my aching to my Father. In my humanity, I am unable to bear this loss. I want the next twenty weeks to be different. So each week on Wednesday, as I remember my daughter and where I would be in my pregnancy with her, I want to post something positive about motherhood. Pray with me that God will allow me to use this blog to glorify Him, even in the pain.

The LORD your God will raise up for you a prophet like me from among your own brothers. You must listen to him. Deuteronomy 18:15

Fun Times

2008-11-29T10:30:00.005-05:00

This is just a small sample of the daily fun we have with Kaden. I was actually posting last night's blog when Tim calls from the bathroom. Here's what I see:

That's my sweet baby, with the ONLY bottle of conditioner in the house. He has squirted it all over the bathroom floor. Not just that, but notice my makeup brushes at the bottom of the photo. He has used them as paint brushes. I thought no big deal, we'll clean it up and the floor smells nice now, then I look over at the toilet....

Excellent, now the toilet smells good too.

Thank you Lord, for our Kaden and his ever growing curiosity!

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalms 126:2

Blessed

2008-11-28T18:40:00.003-05:00

I ventured out today, not to shop but for a little "mommy time." I got a lovely manicure and much needed brain rest! I noticed the parking lot at Target was overflowing with shoppers; getting this and that for Christmas, or maybe just some savings for themselves. I thought today about the families struggling to get their children medical care, those nervous about time off work and lost pay, the families torn apart while one parent takes a child to the hospital and the other has to stay home....

Take time this season to remember the families with loved ones in the hospital and those unable to be home for the holiday, and always remember what you have been blessed with.

Give thanks to the LORD, call on his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always. I Chronicles 16:8-11

Another day

2008-11-17T21:01:00.002-05:00

This past Saturday, we said goodnight to another precious family member. Tim's grandfather "Opa" went home to Jesus Saturday evening. It seems that we were starting to move past one loss, and now are facing yet another. However sad our earthly losses are, when we know our loved one is with the Father, you can't help but rejoice! Knowing they are no longer facing the strain of this world, how can you not lift your hands and give Him the glory! In my life, true sadness is losing a family member you'll never see again, one that doesn't know God's gift of salvation. It is "goodbye" when they don't know Christ, but only a "goodnight" when we know we'll see them just beyond the gates of heaven.

Father God, help us to remember to share your love and precious gift to each person we meet. Allow them to see You through our actions and know Your love and compassion through us. Help us to be pleasing in Your sight so that all will come to know You. Amen.

Goodnight sweet Opa, kiss the baby for us, and know we'll see you again.

Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands. May those who fear you rejoice when they see me, for I have put my hope in your word. I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous, and in faithfulness you have afflicted me. May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant. Let your compassion come to me that I may live, for your law is my delight. Psalm 119:73-77

Days of Praise

2008-11-11T21:24:00.007-05:00

Check out the party girls!

We had a slumber party for Kaeleigh's 10th birthday! Oh my little girl has reached the double digits!! We started off the evening with pizza and a cupcake cake. Then we all made foam crafts; that was a joy to clean up. We divided the girls into two teams and went on a scavenger hunt through the neighborhood. We played some games, told some ghost stories, and attempted to go to bed... After several trips to the living room to calm the girls, we finally left them alone and closed our bedroom door! I don't think much sleep was going on, but we all had a great time!

I praise God for another year of growing for Kaeleigh.

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Kaeleigh also had her first Honors Chorus concert this past week. She looked just wonderful up in front of everyone with her outfit on! I tried to film it, but the camera was shaking so badly from my crying. I'm so overwhelmed with this child God has given me. She is just amazing. There's really not much more I can say about that.

I praise God for allowing me to be her mama.

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We've had some very emotional situations going on the last couple of weeks. On top of the miscarriage, we found out on our anniversary that Tim's grandfather "Opa" is nearing his final days on this earth. We went to say our goodbyes with the family this weekend. We all cried and are sad, but we take joy in knowing death isn't the end. We'll see you again sweet Opa, in a better place with our Father!

I praise God for knowing there is comfort in the pain and sadness of death.

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Speaking of anniversary, Tim and I celebrated our second one on November 4th. So many things have happened over the last two years of our marriage. We started off with a beautiful wedding and finding out about Kaden coming. Then within a month of the wedding, we found out that Kaden would need open heart surgery to survive. Kaden was born the following April, had his surgery in May and praise God, he is alive and doing better than anyone expected! We decided in late 2007 to file for Tim to officially adopt Kaeleigh and Avery. In January 2008 the paperwork began and we spent the next nine months waiting for a court date. In September, it was official, Kaeleigh and Avery are Tim's children!! We found out about the baby in September as well, and by October, we'd lost her. So many things we've been through in such a short time together. I can't begin to tell the rock Tim has been for me. A father to our children, a provider of our home, and my best friend. Knowing that I get to wake up to him every morning for the rest of my life is enough for me. He is mine and I am his.

I praise God for the blessing He has given me through Tim.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you Father for your greatest gift, your Son Jesus. Thank you for continuing to work in my life and my family's lives. I praise you God for you give and take away and remain stedfast and faithful to us through it all.

Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. Psalms 34:3

Dreams... yes, Dreams again

2008-10-31T21:08:00.004-04:00

Last night I dreamed again of a little boy named David. It was such a wonderful dream. I wanted to believe my dream of twins the other night was for the future, but after last nights, I remembered.

I prayed that God would allow me to see my children. That He would show them to me in my dreams and let me meet them. He is doing that. The realization of what has begun in my life is nearly overwhelming.

The night I dreamed of Leilani and Justin, I saw their faces and I knew they were mine. I held her, but not him. It makes sense now. I believed I was carrying twins but never saw a second child. When my labs came back after losing Leilani, they were too high for a single pregnancy. God told me I had two before the doctors did. I didn't hold Justin because I didn't know. I pray that God will give me a second chance and allow me to hold him. Last night's dream of David was the confirmation that these were the children I have lost.

The experience of childbirth has to be the single most defining experience of a woman's life, besides accepting Christ of course. I gave birth to David in my dream. A perfect little guy with dark hair. I know he is my child. I had just found out I was expecting when I lost him. At time I was pregnant with him, it would have led me to name him David.

I have two other children to meet... Gracie and an another. I hope to see Gracie tonight, but I would still like to relish in the dreams of David, Leilani, and Justin. How do you choose which one to see? I know God will show them to me as He see fit. I praise Him because even though I have been unlovable, He has continued to love me. Unconditionally.

Thank you Father for these children who are safe in your arms. Kiss them for me tonight and hug them close.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen. 1 Peter 5:10-11

The Look

2008-10-27T16:39:00.002-04:00

I couldn't help but post this photo of Kaden. His "so what, I'm Kaden" attitude just shines through and we have tried furiously to capture this look on camera. So here he is, in all his white haired glory, giving "the look." I hope you enjoy it as much as we do...

Dreams

2008-10-25T21:34:00.002-04:00

I had a dream last night, one I hope is a glimpse of the future. There were two new babies in my home. A boy named Justin all dressed in a blue sleeper and playing in a swing, and a smaller baby, a girl, with a chest scar, dressed in a white sleeper, her name was Leilani Faith. I don't begin to know what dreams mean. Sometimes I think it's a glimpse of our future or maybe just the longing of our hearts. The deep desperation of a mother who lost her child and wanting to hold her baby close, kiss her tiny face, and give her the love she deserves. I don't know what my dream means, but it brought me comfort to believe there may be another little one (or two) in our future.

Alive

2008-10-24T16:46:00.002-04:00

Dealing with emotional trauma just wasn't enough for me. Wednesday night, I actually miscarried and ended up in the ER with uncontrollable bleeding. I'm blessed to be alive today. God spared me from surgery and chose to give me more time here with my family. There's nothing like laying helpless in the ER, praying for you very life. Today I'm grateful for just being able to get out of bed and being able to hug and kiss my children and husband. I'm still recouping from the sheer amount of blood loss, but God is in control still and has His hand on my life.

Praising Him

2008-10-18T16:22:00.003-04:00

Throughout our time with Kaden, this song brought me back to the place where I remembered God was in control of our lives and that no matter what, He cared about us and was there to hold us. This week this song has again touched my heart, I've cried many tears and each one is held in His hand and cherished. Thank you my Father for the time of joy and sorrow, for without sorrow, joy means nothing.

"Praise You In This Storm"

Casting Crowns

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Thoughts

2008-10-17T16:52:00.002-04:00

Thoughts jumbled up, trying to spill out, but only tears come,
Running down my face, wetting my pillow, dropping silently in the night
Feeling of despair in the whole of my heart
Will it end?
I turn my face to Him, crying out for my desire
I hear His voice, saying, "Wait my child"
He comforts me with hugs from my children
And kisses from my husband
With friends and family
Who speak words only God could have given them.

*Thank you to each of you who have touched my life, not only during this time, but always.
I love you.

~Sara

Goodnight

2008-10-16T13:28:00.002-04:00

We found out about a month ago that we were expecting again. Unfortunately, yesterday, during my OB visit, they were unable to find our baby's heartbeat. This is the letter I wrote to our baby who we believed would have been a girl.....

Why my little angel did He choose to take you? Why will I never hold you in my arms or sing you to sleep? I don't understand, I can't fathom how this is for the best, or how a merciful, loving Father would take the most precious thing and keep it for Himself. We chose your name the other night, Leilani Faith. It means heavenly flower, and you are just that, a beautiful flower in His garden. Have you met your sister, Gracie, yet? Did you know it was her? Are you playing together on the streets of gold? What wonderful things you must see with your eyes. Things mommy can only imagine. Do you know your big sister and big brothers love you? Do you know how excited mommy was to give you your first kiss and to see what you look like? Heaven seems so far away, an eternity until we meet. Mommy's tears will last a lifetime. I'll think of you in August when you were conceived, and in September when we learned about you, and in October when we said goodnight. And again in November when we celebrate Kaeleigh's life, and in December when we would have learned you were a girl, and January when my belly would be alive with kicks and squirms, and February when the third trimester would have begun and I would be swelling and anticipating. In March when I wouldn't be able to breathe because you were taking up all my space. And in April when we would welcome your arrival and take pictures, and call friends and family and tell them, "She's here!" And in May when the flowers are all blooming and the world is full of new life and color, my sky will be gray. In June when we would all be together when school gets out, and the thought of taking you to the pool for the first time and seeing if you were like Daddy and love the water. And in July when we go downtown for our annual picture on the 4th, there will be a little face missing and it will be especially hard because that's the day Gracie went to be with Jesus. Not a day will pass that I won't think of you and what our lives would be like with another princess. I love you my little girl. Ask Jesus to tell you about us.... Until I see you again, I love you. Love, Mommy

In Other News...

2008-09-08T07:04:00.004-04:00

We are expecting again! A definite but welcomed surprise! As with all of God's plans for us, they sometimes don't make sense, but it's our path He's chosen and we'll walk it!

New baby smells, smiles with no teeth, bald heads, tiny feet..... I can't wait. What a blessing to be chosen to be a mother yet again.

We do realize the risk of having another heart baby is increased, but as I talk to a friend the other day, she reminded me again of the power of prayer. We'll trust that our Father knows best and that He'll have His will in our lives.

Come what may, we'll put our faith in Him.

Burdens

2008-08-21T05:15:00.002-04:00

It’s these days that I wonder why God called me to work with CHD families. I want to help so desperately, but at the same time, kicking myself for wanting to. Tim has said to me before that God will give me the strength for what He’s called me for. It's His strength I must draw from today as I face another family with a loss.

What a horrible monster, this CHD world. One that shares in just as many tragedies as triumphs. One that keeps you from ever feeling a sense of calm... Always lurking in your mind, "what if." God be with each family facing this giant and who becomes a part of our world.

Goodnight sweet Tommy, save a hug in heaven for me......

In Love

2008-08-07T10:23:00.002-04:00

Yes, "In Love." I'm in love with my life. This morning, I've enjoyed a kiss from my husband, hugs from my children, and the sounds of them playing together. Of course, the getting along was short lived, as usual. But even in the middle of the kids arguing over toys or what channel to watch, I'm in love.

I woke up next to my wonderful husband, Tim. God sent him to me during a dark time in my life. Through Tim's love, I've rediscovered the love God has for me. Tim is my best friend. He is the home I've always wanted and the love I've always needed. He's the father of my children and our earthly provider. He works hard to make a life where I can stay home and raise our children.

My beautiful daughter, KK, is becoming a "tween" and coming into her own way of doing things. Her independence is amazing. She is brave, strong, and confident. All the things I wanted to be in my own childhood, I see in her.

My handsome son, Ave, will be 7 in a couple of weeks. He is loving and strong. His ability to see beautiful things in everyday happenings is beyond my understanding. Just yesterday, he looked at me and said, "Mommy your glasses look like butterflies on your face. It's really pretty." Who would have thought glasses could look like butterflies?

My precious son, Kaden. The child God gave me twice. Once in birth and again when his heart was healed. I see God's many promises fulfilled in his life. Kaden is bold, daring, and a fighter. His strength goes beyond his years and his laughter is one of the highlights of my day.

In my family and home, I find God's abundant love. I'm in love with my family and the ebb and flow of daily life being a wife and mother.

Keeping Kaden

2008-07-27T16:34:00.003-04:00

I'm sitting here yet again, thinking of how many days have passed since I wrote. Oh well, busy life, getting ready for back to school, daily tasks of being mommy to three, so many more important things.

I was laying with Kaden last night, yes, he still sleeps in our bed, when I woke up with the overwhelming need to touch his "heart scar." As I was running my finger across his scarred chest, I was reminded of all my little boy has been through. I remember him laying in PCICU wrapped in his blue blanket, his face puffy and red from swelling. I remember gently unwrapping the blanket for the first time, because I had to look, I had to see what they had done to my precious baby. The flood of emotion seeing him like that. What was once a perfect little body was now covered in tubes, wires, IVs, tape, gauze, and a row of tiny strips of paper holding his little chest together. He lay there, limp as I picked up his little hand, and realized they had his arms restrained to keep him from pulling at his lines. In that moment, I cried out to God, "WHY have you done this to him! Why did you choose Kaden, and our family for this." And in the next moment realized the worst of the battle was over. Kaden was healed and being mad wasn't going to change the course of our lives. God revealed His love and mercy for our family during Kaden's storm. He showed us that with Him, we can overcome even the worst of circumstances and that ultimately His plan would be accomplished. As I continued to touch his chest and feel the different scars from surgery, each one became a blessing. I kissed each of his little marks and thanked God for the healing of Kaden's heart. I pulled his sweet little face close to mine and smelled his warm breath and praised my Father for allowing me to keep Kaden here with us.

So much to do

2008-06-24T20:28:00.002-04:00

So today I realized that my "heart baby" is no longer a baby. He's a toddling 14 month old! Kaden is into everything imaginable, including the toilet and trash can. His new nickname is "Dumpster Monkey" because he climbs like a monkey to get in the trash! What a hoot. Avery is becoming quite the little man. He has continued to bless my life with his precious smile and ever mischevious ways. He and Kaden wrestle around with Daddy on the floor being boys. Kaeleigh is slowing becoming more of a "tween" and less of a little girl. Seeing her grow up reminds me of being her age and wondering about things like make-up and matching jewelry. I often find her dressing up, trying to match shoes with outfits and making sure her hair is "just so." I think the full scope of being the mother of a teenager is beginning to present itself. I think the pace of my prayer life is beginning to pick up with it!

I met with Rebecca, Angel Annabelle's mom, today to give her a quilt made in Annabelle's memory and some things for the baskets she puts together to remember Annabelle by. I held back tears the entire time. Just seeing her smile brought so many emotions to the front of my heart, I almost couldn't contain it. It's amazing to see my Father continue to work in others lives and allow me to be a part of it. I pray that He continues to bless and hold each of the families Palmetto Hearts touches and that in some way, they will see Christ's love through me.

Palmetto Hearts continues to flourish with new families weekly. We have our own website now, thanks to the Marsh family! www.palmettohearts.org I pray that in some way these heart children touch your lives and give you a bit of peace about yours.

Reflections

2008-04-18T10:35:00.004-04:00

Today I sit in amazement at what the past year has brought my family. A year ago today, we were preparing for Kaden's arrival. Scared and unsure of what his future held. We knew his battle would be hard and there was nothing we could do but pray and allow him to fight it. And he fought so well, he's a strong boy! God's grace and mercy were bountiful for us during that time. God allowed Kaden to be healed through the hands of a surgeon. Here we are a year later and I wouldn't change what we've all been through. Kaden's birth, surgery, and recovery were nothing short of a miracle. God has blessed so many people with our son. We have been able to reach out to other families to help them on their journey through diagnosis, surgery, recovery, and beyond. I can't begin to put into words how blessed we are to have been given such a special little boy. Our family is closer than it has even been before. I appreciate how blessed I am to have two heathy children. I took them for granted for such a long time, and now I try to cherish every moment I have with them. Even when driving to the soccer field seems like such a chore, I remember that Avery could have been born and never been able to play soccer, or that Kaeleigh may have never cheered. God chose a different path for Kaeleigh and Avery's lives and I'm so thankful that they don't have to face the battles Kaden has. Kaeleigh is growing into such a beautiful young lady. This past year brought many tears for her as she fully understood what was happening with her little brother and what he was facing. I remember her begging to hold him in the NICU and the nurses telling her no, that she might pull a line loose. We shut the curtain and allowed her to hold him anyway, knowing that could have been her only chance to hold her baby brother. We had to let Avery hold him too. I couldn't bear to think he could leave this earth and not have been held by them. The bond that the three of them formed during those first few weeks was incredible. It didn't matter to Kaeleigh and Avery that he was in NICU, he was THEIR baby brother and the love they had for him was overwhelming. Avery cried when we left the hospital. He wanted to bring Kaden home to snuggle in the bed like we had done during my pregnancy.

The morning of his surgery, Tim, KK, and Ave met me at the hospital to pray and wait. We all carried him down to the pre-op check in and waited for them to come and get him. I can't describe how difficult it was for all of us to hand over our tiny baby to people we had never met and trust them to care for him. Those feelings had to be pushed back because without the surgery, he wouldn't have made it to see his first birthday.

Over the course of this past year, God has brought so many families and stories into our lives. Each family and child has touched the deepest parts of my heart. It's my prayer that God allows me to continue in His ministry to these families. I pray that each child's story touches me and helps me remember what we have been through and that no matter what God has NEVER failed us. He held Kaden in His hands and allowed Kaden to be healed. He held us during a terrible time when nothing on this earth could, and He never let go.

Happy Birthday April 27 to our miracle of life, Kaden John. May God bless your life my precious baby. May you always walk in His path, with His light guiding you. I pray for your protection and for your future. May God always hold all the days of your life and may they be long and fruitful for Him. Always remember where you have been and how blessed you are. Mommy loves you for always my little heart boy.

Opening doors

2008-04-02T17:24:00.001-04:00

It's been on my heart a long time to be able to stay at home with my children. Today, God answered my prayers. I have been able to resign to be a SAHM!!! God closes and opens doors for us in His good timing, and His timing is perfect. When Kaden was in the midst of hospitilization and surgery, I felt God calling me to start Saving Little Hearts of SC. I wanted to reach out to other families to help them through their CHD journey. I'm in tears thinking of all that my Father has blessed me with. I have the help of Kaden's pediatric cardiologist, and three wonderful women who have had their own CHD journeys. I have friends who pray for and support me. Most of all I have a husband who is my best friend, he is my soul mate, the one I cherish and honor. I love him and our beautiful children more than words can say. I can't begin to name the families and children that He has put in my path and I've had the honor of ministering to. Ministry.... It's a funny word, that bring up thoughts of a large man up at the pulpit, sweating, and yelling. But I now understand ministry is our everyday task as Christians. Ministering to others by praying for them, supporting them, listening to them. So now my ministry consists of two major components, my family & friends, and my heart family. I hold each heart family as close as my own, I weep with them, and rejoice with them. I pray that God continues to bless each person in my life. I will thank Him continually for the opportunities I have had and the ones He continues to bring to me. Thank you Lord for opening these doors!!!

Why

2008-03-28T13:51:00.000-04:00

Today my heart is heavy. A precious little girl went home to be with Jesus yesterday. My heart aches for the family. I can't imagine the loss of a child. Sweet Annabelle Butcher was not even two months old. A CHD (congenital heart defect) baby born with HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). She had been home just a few weeks when our Father called her back into His arms. I can't begin to understand why God would take a child, but it's not for me to understand. Only for me to pray about and to pray for the family. I keep coming back to a Casting Crowns song "Praise You in the Storm." It's a song that helped verbalize the feelings I had when Kaden was going through his surgery and hospital stay. Such a dark time in my life. But out of that darkness came a light. A blaring, blinding light, guiding me to fulfill a calling. God called me to start Saving Little Hearts of SC and help families like Annabelle's. I prayed for my emotions to be kept real and alive in me so that I would remember the pain. That I would never hear a child's story and not be touched to the core of my being. The tears I've shed for Annabelle are pain filled. I hurt so deeply for her precious mother Rebecca and her father Scott, and for her big brother Wyatt. Still a baby himself at 3. I pray that God comforts them and holds them so close they can feel His breath when He speaks. I know that out of this darkness in their life, they will find the lighted path He has laid for them and He has told me He will raise in them a new song to sing. "You are who you are no matter where I am....."

I encourage everyone to hold their children just a moment longer today and remember a precious family in your prayers.

Busy Mom

2007-12-01T15:44:00.001-05:00

I guess you can see by the fact that I haven't posted in a while, that I've been busy. My days are filled with the joyous tasks of being a mommy and a wife. Unfortunately, I've let those things get in the way of my time with God. How can I expect for my children to obey me, when I don't obey my Father.....

I keep being reminded subtly by our Father that I'm pushing Him further down my list of "important things to do." So today, I'm trying to get back on track by praying for strength in my walk and diligence to read His Word daily. Not just to read but to take from it. How easily I've gotten caught up in my life.

Lord, give me the desire to put you first. Let me be an example to You for my children, so they'll follow You. Amen.

Our Nation....

2007-11-09T14:45:00.001-05:00

Well, everyone's feeling better at the house today. Kaden is through the worst of the cold. Unfortunately, Tim has it now. Kaeleigh has managed to stay germ free, I will chalk that up to her being breastfed for 6 1/2 months! I'm trying to get all the last minute stuff for Saving Little Hearts of SC's first meeting tomorrow. Go to http://savinglittlehearts.com/southcarolina.php for more info on what we do! I can tell that story another day, for today, here's my devotion:

How fitting as we come upon Veteran's Day that God should put a verse regarding the state of a nation. Isaiah Chapter 1 talks of the decay of their nation. Funny how this describes the U.S.A. today. What a tragedy that our nation was built on prayer, the word of God, and christian values, and today, we have all but thrown God away. I know this will be controversial, but doesn't anyone seem to think that 9/11 was a wake up call from God to turn our hearts back towards him and rid ourselves of our ungodly ways. For centuries, men and women have given their lives to help us remain a free country. How free are we though? Greed, hatred, anger, murder, drugs.... These things are happening because we as a society have become "too smart" for God, too rich, too advanced, and dare I say, too politically correct. To truly be free, we must return to God our Father, ask for his forgiveness and walk in his light.
Lord, in this world of chaos, help me to be a light for you and a testament to true freedom. Help me to teach my children that you are the only source of goodness, and to remain steadfast in their faith. Thank you Lord for all your many blessings in my life. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Me and my house....

2007-11-08T16:47:00.000-05:00

So much for the getting up early every morning thing. In fact I hardly went to bed last night. The baby was sick all night and I'm still nursing, so we had a "Mom's all night diner" open last night. He couldn't breathe well, so he nursed more often to make up for not being able to nurse as long. Ave was sick earlier this week, so I missed 2 days of work. Just a nasty cold running through the house. Mom's job is tough.
My chapter I read today was Joshua 24. Choosing who you will serve. It seems like the obvious answer for me as a Christian. Who do I serve? God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. But there are days where I don't serve him like I should. Days when I serve the "god of sleep" or the "god of the tv." Any of the daily things we do are subject to become a distraction from our daily walk with Christ. My biggest culprit. Take a deep breath...... serving MYSELF! Brushing off daily Bible reading and devotion to do what, get 15 minutes of me time in the morning. How about deciding the latest Nicholas Sparks novel is far more entertaining than the word of God. Ouch, that hurts to even type it out. So how do we overcome this behavior and make sure that we have our hearts right? Prayer, consistant Bible reading, seeking God in each aspect of our lives. This is the example I want to set for my children, so I reaffirm by saying, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!
Lord God, forgive me for my selfish ways. Keep me in your will father. Guide me in my daily life to be an example of you not only to my children and husband, but to my friends and each person I come in contact with. Let your light shine through me so there's not a doubt as to who I serve. Lord, thank you for all your many blessings in my life. Thank you for giving me a choice, Lord I choose you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day One

2007-11-06T07:48:00.000-05:00

So this morning I’ve decided to start a prayer/devotion journal to keep me on track with my walk. Since Tim got me the laptop, I’m hoping to be able to access everything from the kitchen table or the bed before everyone gets up in the morning. My goal was to get up early today and do this, but I’ve already gotten KK off to school and Ave set up playing games and K in his walker…. A mother’s job! This will be a bit random, I’m starting with Ephesians chpt 1. So this is about Ephesus coming to know Christ and to be heirs in his full inheritance. I know that I’m saved, but am I really living like an heir of Christ’s. Not really. I struggle through days when I should be giving thanks for the things I will receive. I should be giving thanks to God daily for his blessings. A wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, one son born in perfect health, another who’s life God chose to spare, a large loving family, in-laws included, too many friends to count… I could go on forever. How can I want more when I already have so much.
Lord, forgive me for not being thankful to you for all you have given to and done for me. Help me to remember my first love, You, and to put you first in my life. Only through you can I truly be fulfilled in this lifetime. Help me to be an example of you in my life today. Be with me as I walk through this day, let my words minister to others and not be angry or hurtful. Thank you Lord for my life and for saving me. In Jesus Name, Amen.